The Front Porch Restaurant – Review
Be forewarned, this review is being written dangerously close to the completion of our meal at the “Front Porch Restaurant”, and is thus subject to change accordingly should we find ourselves the victims of food poisoning. Of course considering half of us ate from the *shudder* 24 hour country buffet and the other half paid less than four dollars for an entire heaping plate of food, this is a very real possibility.
This place has sort of taunted us for several months now, its green roof barely visible from the interstate not two exits down from one of our primary secret headquarters. Usually we zoom on past in favor of a completely palatable Denny’s some further distance down the road. Tonight however, something compelled us to finally approach this unassuming eatery wedged into the side of a store called “Crazy Ed’s”.
Our hearts leaped a bit when we saw the prices, and jumped a little more at the first sighting of the buffet. Of course, this was before we actually walked over and inspected the hot bar and the joy drained out of us.
The prices were ENTIRELY TOO REASONABLE and we began to wonder when the other shoe would drop. Less than four dollars for a B.L.T. and fries? Three dollars and some change for unlimited trips to the salad bar? We were practically sweating with nervousness.
I decided to check out the buffet, and sure enough, it looked pretty much like you would imagine a buffet would look if it was open 24 hours and cost less than seven dollars.
Sickly looking whites, greens and browns swirled across a number of dry looking, indistinguishable foods. It looked more like something a very depressed and colorblind artist would submit to the Museum of Modern Art. Sort of a Willem de Kooning meets your suicidal high school lunch lady.
The waitress came to take our order, and I pressed her as to the actual quality of the buffet, all appearances aside. She was very dodgey and I couldn’t manage to get a straight answer out of her. This should have been another clue. Still, we could not stand on ceremony and we plunged right into ordering.
Homp: Buffet.
Aaron: Also the buffet.
David: B.L.T. and fries.
Brad: Bar-b-que sandwich and fries.
John: Salad bar.
The food was not long in coming, and we each found ourselves having to deal with the very real consequences of our off the cuff ordering. All in all, David and John probably came out the best of the five of us, with David actually saying that his B.L.T. was quite good, and John getting copious amounts of acceptable salad for much less money than many other places.
I felt the buffet was actually overpriced for what we managed to eat. There were only about three things on the hot bar that I even thought I could stomach and one serving was more than enough for me. I saw very similar eating habits out of Homp. Brad later described his BBQ sandwich as “bar-b-que flavored chewing gum”, and I don’t doubt that this appraisal was off even slightly.
We ate as much as we dared, and then beat a hasty retreat. We managed to stop into the bathroom first to see if anything hilarious would manifest itself, and we were not disappointed. Scrawled right there on the side of the toilet stall wall was a rockin’ bit of Night Ranger graffiti. I don’t know who goes out of their way to write Night Ranger in bathrooms in the year 2006, but my hat is off to them.
Of course, our “Front Porch” experience was not yet over. We finally escaped into the cool of the night and found two very diverse sights.
One was an all night porn store, right across the road. “Vidoes and novelties” the signs on the outside of the building promised. For some reason, I don’t think I want to meet the person who buys their erotica from an interstate novelty shop in Niota, Tennessee.
In an almost complete parallel, the very parking lot of the Front Porch restaurant was home to a bona fide 24 hour trailer church. Occupied by nothing but chairs and various Chick tracts at 1 in the morning, we checked out the inside and found an actual bottle of anointing oil on the altar. Of course, John couldn’t resist the urge to anoint himself right then and there.
I think the Slayer shirt with the pentagram complimented the scene nicely.
Front Porch Restaurant (with 24 hour buffet)
Food: 3 Homps / 5 Homps
Price: 3.5 Homps / 5 Homps
Ambiance: 3.5 Homps / 5 Homps
Service: 3 Homps / 5 Homps
Total:
3.5 Homps / 5 Homps
The Front Porch Restaurant is located in Niota, TN.
-Aaron Littleton
Be forewarned, this review is being written dangerously close to the completion of our meal at the “Front Porch Restaurant”, and is thus subject to change accordingly should we find ourselves the victims of food poisoning. Of course considering half of us ate from the *shudder* 24 hour country buffet and the other half paid less than four dollars for an entire heaping plate of food, this is a very real possibility.
This place has sort of taunted us for several months now, its green roof barely visible from the interstate not two exits down from one of our primary secret headquarters. Usually we zoom on past in favor of a completely palatable Denny’s some further distance down the road. Tonight however, something compelled us to finally approach this unassuming eatery wedged into the side of a store called “Crazy Ed’s”.
Our hearts leaped a bit when we saw the prices, and jumped a little more at the first sighting of the buffet. Of course, this was before we actually walked over and inspected the hot bar and the joy drained out of us.
The prices were ENTIRELY TOO REASONABLE and we began to wonder when the other shoe would drop. Less than four dollars for a B.L.T. and fries? Three dollars and some change for unlimited trips to the salad bar? We were practically sweating with nervousness.
I decided to check out the buffet, and sure enough, it looked pretty much like you would imagine a buffet would look if it was open 24 hours and cost less than seven dollars.
Sickly looking whites, greens and browns swirled across a number of dry looking, indistinguishable foods. It looked more like something a very depressed and colorblind artist would submit to the Museum of Modern Art. Sort of a Willem de Kooning meets your suicidal high school lunch lady.
The waitress came to take our order, and I pressed her as to the actual quality of the buffet, all appearances aside. She was very dodgey and I couldn’t manage to get a straight answer out of her. This should have been another clue. Still, we could not stand on ceremony and we plunged right into ordering.
Homp: Buffet.
Aaron: Also the buffet.
David: B.L.T. and fries.
Brad: Bar-b-que sandwich and fries.
John: Salad bar.
The food was not long in coming, and we each found ourselves having to deal with the very real consequences of our off the cuff ordering. All in all, David and John probably came out the best of the five of us, with David actually saying that his B.L.T. was quite good, and John getting copious amounts of acceptable salad for much less money than many other places.
I felt the buffet was actually overpriced for what we managed to eat. There were only about three things on the hot bar that I even thought I could stomach and one serving was more than enough for me. I saw very similar eating habits out of Homp. Brad later described his BBQ sandwich as “bar-b-que flavored chewing gum”, and I don’t doubt that this appraisal was off even slightly.
We ate as much as we dared, and then beat a hasty retreat. We managed to stop into the bathroom first to see if anything hilarious would manifest itself, and we were not disappointed. Scrawled right there on the side of the toilet stall wall was a rockin’ bit of Night Ranger graffiti. I don’t know who goes out of their way to write Night Ranger in bathrooms in the year 2006, but my hat is off to them.
Of course, our “Front Porch” experience was not yet over. We finally escaped into the cool of the night and found two very diverse sights.
One was an all night porn store, right across the road. “Vidoes and novelties” the signs on the outside of the building promised. For some reason, I don’t think I want to meet the person who buys their erotica from an interstate novelty shop in Niota, Tennessee.
In an almost complete parallel, the very parking lot of the Front Porch restaurant was home to a bona fide 24 hour trailer church. Occupied by nothing but chairs and various Chick tracts at 1 in the morning, we checked out the inside and found an actual bottle of anointing oil on the altar. Of course, John couldn’t resist the urge to anoint himself right then and there.
I think the Slayer shirt with the pentagram complimented the scene nicely.
Front Porch Restaurant (with 24 hour buffet)
Food: 3 Homps / 5 Homps
Price: 3.5 Homps / 5 Homps
Ambiance: 3.5 Homps / 5 Homps
Service: 3 Homps / 5 Homps
Total:
3.5 Homps / 5 Homps
The Front Porch Restaurant is located in Niota, TN.
-Aaron Littleton
