When we first heard about Cisco from www.bumwine.com we knew it was something that we had to try. The good folks over at Bumwine used phrases like "two day hangover" and "raging naked bum" to describe the effects of one bottle of this low-budget booze. If you've never heard of this particular rotgut, we heartily recommend that you check out the article on bumwine.com before continuing.
After much searching, we finally discovered a store that sold Cisco a little over an hour away from HQ. You can't let inconvenience get in the way of science, so we made the trek and got our lab books ready.
Yes, our guinea pig "Steven" would be drinking Cisco. Not a little 375 mL bottle, either; a big 750 mL one. And not just one, either.
He would be drinking FOUR bottles of Cisco.
As he surveyed the four devastating bottles set before him, like so many gleaming, rainbow colored bullets in the chamber of a gun, we could see his doubts about this experiment become apparent in his face.
Little could be done to allay his fears but remind him of that very simple phrase which has inspired so many risk takers and brave men over the long centuries:
"FOR SCIENCE!"
To more easily understand the effects of Cisco, we decided to take a very methodical approach to this experiment. Steven would check in every hour until he was done, sign a hand written message to test motor functions and brain activity, and undergo a short physical and mental examination. Initial plans would have him drinking one bottle an hour until completion.
As you are about to witness, it was wishful thinking to believe things would go so smoothly.
Check-In 1
9 p.m.
Color: Peachish with red undertones
Asked "How do you feel?": A little nervous and anxious. Healthy.
Asked "What do you think of Cisco?": "Oh shit."
Observed Craziness level: 3
General observation of progress: Nothing yet.
Subject's handwritten message with 0 bottles inside him:
Cisco Green was first up this night, and Steven tore into it with something of a ferocity.
In a matter of minutes, he had nearly finished the first bottle. We weren't sure whether this was a good sign or not.
After the first bottle was completely gone, Steven mostly went about his business, doing whatever it is Stevens do. He didn't seem the slightest bit inebriated and he had went at that Cisco on a nearly empty stomach. There was some discussion to change the nature of the experiment and give him the second bottle straight away, but we decided to wait it out and see. That Cisco was inside of him now. It wasn't going anywhere, and we were just going to have to be patient with it.
An hour passed.
Check-In 2
10 p.m.
At this point, very little had changed in Steven's demeanor or appearance. He gladly and patiently underwent his examination.
Color: Bright red.
Asked "How do you feel?": The subject farted, then said that his heart rate and temperature seemed normal. He then said he felt somewhat drunk and that the world was moving slowly.
Asked "What do you think of Cisco?": "Quite a kick."
Observed Craziness level: 4
General observation of progress: Perhaps drinking needs to be sped up.
Subject's signature and handwritten message with 1 bottle inside him:
Homp gave Steven the once over and felt the need to point out the redness now in the subject's face while wearing a silly hat.
Steven went after the Cisco Strawberry next, and it at first seemed to be a repeat performance of the first bottle. He was quickly chugging through it with no extrodrinary symptoms of drunkenness. All we had heard about Cisco claimed that it got you stinking drunk, but our subject was tipsy, and little else.
Then, as Cisco's now illegal campaign would say, it took him "by surprise."
Steven was relaxing on a couch, stumbling his way through a rendition of the Super Mario Bros. theme song on acoustic guitar when he suddenly changed. Like the Hulk turning from mild mannered whoever into that big green guy, Steven just sort of...snapped.
He became very wild and seemed to have little control over his body. He slopped a good deal of Cisco on his shirt as he continued to down the vile brew, and before long was almost completely lost in the drink.
At this point, Steven seemed to be having a pretty good time. His face was almost set in a wild smile like some horrible clown doll. He was covered in cheap booze and kept slipping into fits of horrible thrashing.
With only one or two drinks left in the bottle, we knew he would have to be restrained if he was going to finish bottle number two, so drastic measures were taken and we tied his arms to his sides with a convenient belt and "helped" him get the rest of the Cisco inside of him.
Steven finished the bottle, but at what cost?
Then, the unimaginable happened.
