HompCo Bean Dip
Creating HompCo Beandip is an endeavor not to be taken lightly. Nor is it for the faint of heart. Neither is it for the faint of stomach, constitution, tongue, or pancreas.
Actually, if you have ever felt inferior in any way, it may be best to simply gaze at a safe distance, as other, more suicidal, human beings undergo the task.
INGREDIENTS
Two Large Cans Refried Beans
One Large Bottle Pace Picante Salsa
One Can Diced Tomatoes
One Small Can Diced Green Peppers
Two 8oz Bags Grated Mexican Cheese
One Bag Taco Seasoning
One Tub Sour Cream
One Large Microwavable Mixing Bowl
One Wooden Spoon
OPTIONAL INGREDIENTS
Frank’s Red Hot Sauce
Dave’s Insanity Sauce
(All optional hot sauces must have a generic man’s name! The consequences otherwise would be DIRE!)
You must realize that you will likely be sacrificing the mixing bowl to create HompCo Beandip. It is a substance that, once left to sit for more than a day, will undergo a strange and wondrous transformation into something not completely unlike the the dense matter of a neutron star.
Once you have acquired all of your ingredients, it is best to sit them all out on the table in a dramatic way, and spend a few moments contemplating what you are about to do.
"Yes," you must say to yourself, "I am going to mix all of these things together and eat them."
After this moment of quiet meditation, the heinous deed will begin in earnest.
The first step in preparing HompCo Beandip is opening and emptying the refried beans into the bowl. This sounds much easier than it actually is, because your refried beans will fight, and actually defeat, the force of gravity. Yes, gravity, that same force that sends our planet, which weighs no less than 5.972 sextillion (yes it’s a word!) metric tons, hurtling around the sun in a precise orbit at a distance of 93 million miles, cannot possibly hope to best these cans of refried beans that you are about to ingest.
This is where the wooden spoon first becomes useful.
Scrape these physics-defying beans into the bowl and throw their filthy cans aside. Phase One – COMPLETE.
Next, take your bottle of Pace salsa and dump it into the mix. It should be a larger bottle than we had to work with in these images. Our dip had to be filled out with some other, unspecified salsa, and probably suffered in taste because of it. No one is precisely sure why Pace salsa makes the bean dip so much better, but it does. We’ve tried to make this with off-brand salsa before (likely made in New York City even!) and the dip was rendered virtually inedible. Save yourself wasted time and effort – buy the friggin’ Pace.
Next goes in the diced green peppers followed by the diced tomatoes. Sometimes your grocer may carry diced tomatoes with green peppers in them. Be forewarned that this is a good deal. Even so, you may want to go ahead and buy some extra peppers. That unwholesome pile of refried beans is an unstoppable force of tastelessness that you must thwart at every turn. If you want your beandip to be flavorful at all, make sure to put things in it that will TASTE.
Next, mix in your bags of cheese. This is a place in that recipe that is largely up to your specific preferences. The standard recipe calls for two 8 oz bags, but more or less may be added to suit. We’ve made bowls that had as much as two pounds of cheese involved, and they were all delicious. If you’re a cheese-aholic, go crazy. If you’re a health nut (but honestly, why a health conscious person would eat such a disgusting concoction is entirely beyond me. [Especially when the main ingredient is refried beans, a name which implies that these beans have not only been fried once, but twice.]) put a little less. It’s up to you. Happy little trees, etc.
Rip open with your teeth and pour in the taco seasoning. Before heating, this is where the basic recipe ends. Optionally you may want to add your "Generic Guy Name" Hot Sauce in at this point.
Now wield your wooden spoon with a ferocity like vikings of yore and mix this glop thoroughly. If it helps to put on your best metal face, do that. You will not offend us.
Now take the whole shebang and toss it into the microwave. Set the timer on two minutes and prepare your Mylanta for quick consumption. Your task is near completion.
After the first two minute cycle, pull out the bowl and mix again. Pop it back into the microwave, and set it to two minutes. Repeat this cycle until you feel that the dip is malleable enough to eat and warm enough to accent a tortilla chip nicely.
At this point, add about half (or more) of the sour cream and give the dip another stirring. This is HompCo Bean dip in its completed form. No nutrition facts are needed – you know this is foul and will clog up your precious arteries, but eat it anyway. It is delicious.
Serve with tortilla chips, hot dog buns, hamburger buns, and antacids.
Feeds 12.
-Aaron Littleton
Creating HompCo Beandip is an endeavor not to be taken lightly. Nor is it for the faint of heart. Neither is it for the faint of stomach, constitution, tongue, or pancreas.
Actually, if you have ever felt inferior in any way, it may be best to simply gaze at a safe distance, as other, more suicidal, human beings undergo the task.
INGREDIENTS
Two Large Cans Refried Beans
One Large Bottle Pace Picante Salsa
One Can Diced Tomatoes
One Small Can Diced Green Peppers
Two 8oz Bags Grated Mexican Cheese
One Bag Taco Seasoning
One Tub Sour Cream
One Large Microwavable Mixing Bowl
One Wooden Spoon
OPTIONAL INGREDIENTS
Frank’s Red Hot Sauce
Dave’s Insanity Sauce
(All optional hot sauces must have a generic man’s name! The consequences otherwise would be DIRE!)
You must realize that you will likely be sacrificing the mixing bowl to create HompCo Beandip. It is a substance that, once left to sit for more than a day, will undergo a strange and wondrous transformation into something not completely unlike the the dense matter of a neutron star.
Once you have acquired all of your ingredients, it is best to sit them all out on the table in a dramatic way, and spend a few moments contemplating what you are about to do.
"Yes," you must say to yourself, "I am going to mix all of these things together and eat them."
After this moment of quiet meditation, the heinous deed will begin in earnest.
The first step in preparing HompCo Beandip is opening and emptying the refried beans into the bowl. This sounds much easier than it actually is, because your refried beans will fight, and actually defeat, the force of gravity. Yes, gravity, that same force that sends our planet, which weighs no less than 5.972 sextillion (yes it’s a word!) metric tons, hurtling around the sun in a precise orbit at a distance of 93 million miles, cannot possibly hope to best these cans of refried beans that you are about to ingest.
This is where the wooden spoon first becomes useful.
Scrape these physics-defying beans into the bowl and throw their filthy cans aside. Phase One – COMPLETE.
Next, take your bottle of Pace salsa and dump it into the mix. It should be a larger bottle than we had to work with in these images. Our dip had to be filled out with some other, unspecified salsa, and probably suffered in taste because of it. No one is precisely sure why Pace salsa makes the bean dip so much better, but it does. We’ve tried to make this with off-brand salsa before (likely made in New York City even!) and the dip was rendered virtually inedible. Save yourself wasted time and effort – buy the friggin’ Pace.
Next goes in the diced green peppers followed by the diced tomatoes. Sometimes your grocer may carry diced tomatoes with green peppers in them. Be forewarned that this is a good deal. Even so, you may want to go ahead and buy some extra peppers. That unwholesome pile of refried beans is an unstoppable force of tastelessness that you must thwart at every turn. If you want your beandip to be flavorful at all, make sure to put things in it that will TASTE.
Next, mix in your bags of cheese. This is a place in that recipe that is largely up to your specific preferences. The standard recipe calls for two 8 oz bags, but more or less may be added to suit. We’ve made bowls that had as much as two pounds of cheese involved, and they were all delicious. If you’re a cheese-aholic, go crazy. If you’re a health nut (but honestly, why a health conscious person would eat such a disgusting concoction is entirely beyond me. [Especially when the main ingredient is refried beans, a name which implies that these beans have not only been fried once, but twice.]) put a little less. It’s up to you. Happy little trees, etc.
Rip open with your teeth and pour in the taco seasoning. Before heating, this is where the basic recipe ends. Optionally you may want to add your "Generic Guy Name" Hot Sauce in at this point.
Now wield your wooden spoon with a ferocity like vikings of yore and mix this glop thoroughly. If it helps to put on your best metal face, do that. You will not offend us.
Now take the whole shebang and toss it into the microwave. Set the timer on two minutes and prepare your Mylanta for quick consumption. Your task is near completion.
After the first two minute cycle, pull out the bowl and mix again. Pop it back into the microwave, and set it to two minutes. Repeat this cycle until you feel that the dip is malleable enough to eat and warm enough to accent a tortilla chip nicely.
At this point, add about half (or more) of the sour cream and give the dip another stirring. This is HompCo Bean dip in its completed form. No nutrition facts are needed – you know this is foul and will clog up your precious arteries, but eat it anyway. It is delicious.
Serve with tortilla chips, hot dog buns, hamburger buns, and antacids.
Feeds 12.
-Aaron Littleton
